Click on the Links below to go to other pages, or else just scroll down your screen and enjoy the jokes.
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Other Sober Laughs |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
More Jokes:
The Computer Buy - Abbot and Costello
Bubba and Gator
Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were driving
down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bud. The passenger, Bubba,said.
"Lookey thar up ahead, Gator, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get
busted fer drinkin these here beers!! "Don't worry Bubba" Gator said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label
and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?" Asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin okay?"
Said Gator. Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock,
the sherriff said, "You boys been drinkin?". "No sir" Gator
said. "We're on the patch."
Sponsor & Spiritual Experience
A sponsor and his
newcomer were at a meeting when the newcomer suddenly collapsed, went into
cardiac arrest and fell to the floor. The paramedics arrived, performed CPR and
brought the newcomer back to life. "My GOD!", said the sponsor.
"I thought we had lost you". The newcomer looked up and told his
sponsor, "I believe I was actually dead for a short time. I saw a bright
light and felt myself basking in the light of my higher power. I'm sure it was
heaven. It was an amazing experience!"
"What was heaven like?" asked the sponsor. The newcomer smiled and replied, "Well, I got good news, and I got bad news. The good news is that in heaven they have a huge speaker meeting every Thursday night. All the greatest AA speakers that have passed away speak there". "And the bad news?", asked the sponsor. The newcomer looked his sponsor in the eyes and replied, "The bad news is that you're the speaker next week".
There was a little girl who walked to and from school each day. One day, though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she set out on her daily trek to the elementary school.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. Her mother was concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, was cutting through the sky. Concerned, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile at the sky.
Another and another flash of lightning followed and with each the little girl would look up and smile. The mother pulled her car up beside the child, and she lowered the window and called to her, " What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The little girl answered," I am trying to look pretty!! God keeps taking my picture!"
Little
Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was
coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little
Leroy is a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at
home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's
mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the
last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his
birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.
LETTER
1:
Dear God, I have been
a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red
one.
Your friend, Leroy.
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he
tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy.
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.
LETTER
3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red
bike for my birthday.
Leroy.
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another
letter.
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By
now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to
go to church. Leroy's Mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked
very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine. The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go. The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released. As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."
An alcoholic judge gets tired of his caseload and decides to take the afternoon off. After a few drinks, he gets on the train headed for home. While on the train, he notices that the train starts spinning and promptly throws up all over himself. Upon arriving at his home, his worried wife exclaims, "Thank god you're alright. What happened to you?" The quick thinking judge explains that some drunk in court threw up all over him. She says "Well OK, why don't you hop in the shower and get cleaned up?" While in the shower, the wife asks the judge, "You know that drunk who threw up on you? Well, what did you do to him?" The Judge responds "Uh, I umm, gave him 30 days." Wife: "You should've given him 60 because he peed in your pants too!"
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking .................... Hasn't affected my brothers though."W hat's the difference between an addict & an alcoholic?
Either will steal your wallet, but the addict will spend all night helping you look for it.
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
says, "No way, pal. I don't
think you can pay for it."
"You're right, " the guy says, "I don't have any money, but if I
show you something you haven't seen before will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the
hamster on the bar, it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar,
across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin.
"You're right I haven't heard anything like that before," says the
bartender. "The hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be
cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender. "Watch this,"
replies the guy. Again, he reaches
into his coat and pulls out a frog. He
puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a
marvelous voice
and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him
$300 for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy.
He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger
runs out of the bar.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for
$300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The
hamster is a ventriloquist."
"...But we
aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they
wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life."
(pg 132, The Big Book Of Alcoholics Anonymous)
An atheist was taking a walk through
the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. What
majestic trees. What powerful rivers. What beautiful animals, he said to
himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. As he turned to look,
he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even
faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically
as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him
raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out, "Oh my
God!" Just then, time stopped.
The bear froze, the forest was silent,
the river even stopped moving. A
bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying,
"You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don't exist and
even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you except me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said it would be
rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could
you make the bear a Christian?
Very well, said the voice.
As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest
continued, the bear put his paw down. The
bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord, thank
you for this food which I am about to receive. AMEN."
A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted another man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am." The man below replied, "You’re in a hot air ball hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a sponsor," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonists, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip." The man below responded, "You must be a sponsee" "I am,: replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You mad a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect other people to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault."
A
good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in
deep
water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they
demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more
publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always
starts tomorrow.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in
every joint, you are probably dead.
Two women friends had gone for a
"girls night out." They both were very
faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over
enthusiastic on Margaritas at the
Rio.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped
in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off
her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive
panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to
a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded
to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the
other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"
Submitted by Jenny
RecoveryLanes Humor - Alcohol and Addiction Jokes
Looking For More Fun? Pick a Topic Below:
The Computer Buy - Abbot and Costello Liquor Warnings
This website is not intended to replace a sponsor, but rather to aide you and
your sponsor in recovery. This is just a way to start working the steps,
and share in someone else's experience, strength and hope.
Click on the Email Picture above to email me.
This Website was last updated on:
June 17, 2008
